I woke up this morning and SWORE that I was able to move my eyebrows, and I felt like I was even smiling!!! Then I woke up a little more and went to look in the mirror.
I cried for what seemed like a vengefully deep and unforgiving eternity. When I got off the ground I sheepishly realized that only 10 minutes had passed…
I read that the sensation I had was a phantom sensation, or a remembered sensation from years of memories of smiling. In my sleep addled mind I stitched a half remembered dream into my reality, and it cost me. I just wasn’t ready for the false hope I guess. It won’t take me by surprise again, I’m keeping a mirror by the bed and my hopes are firmly in check from here on out.
One of the things I’ve always liked about myself is how much I love laughing and smiling. I make jokes and live happily. I am really fond of it. People have told me what a happy person I am, and it has always been a core component of my personality.
Now I feel like it’s locked away. For an indeterminate amount of time. As you can see from the photo above, my laugh/smile is not what it used to be. I tried to smile at a kid at work today and he cowered appealed to his mom, “What’s wrong with his face mommy? He looks scary!!” I wanted to disapear.
The mother told her little girl to “Be quiet and don’t ask so many questions!!” But it wasn’t her fault. She doesn’t understand, I don’t even fucking understand. Sorry I scared you little-girl-who-I-am-calling-penny.
I am finding myself relating a lot to Jack Houston’s character, Richard Harrow, in Boardwalk Empire. I know it’s totally different, and I can only imagine…but still.
If I recover, I’m going to wear every smile like a badge of honor, I’m going to laugh until it hurts. When I recover, I will cherish the simple gift of control for the rest of my days. Someday I hope to see Penny again and smile at her so she can see on my face what is written on my heart.
More tomorrow, I’m tired and I have to tape my eye shut now.